Yin and Yang...

When my youngest daughter was just old enough to hold a crayon and draw recognizable pictures, she started drawing yin-yang symbols. She's always loved them. I'm not really sure where it all started...I don't have any hung up in our home...I can't think of where she would have been exposed to them, but as far back as I can remember in her lifetime--she's always loved the concept and visual symbol of yin-yang. It's very intriguing to me because of her bipolar. With the mania and the depression...she's known from a very young age--intuitively--what she needs...what she is striving for...balance.

On the flip side...or at least on a different avenue...one of my sisters is having a mastectomy tomorrow. She has spent the last 14 years trying to mold herself, her spouse and her children into "the All-American family". I can't fault her for wanting to be "normal"...for striving so hard to be "A good, normal, religious, hard working family". My life has not been "typical" for 15+ years...so I gave up that thought years ago. I've moved into acceptance and appreciation. Just over 6 years ago, the universe threw my sister a curve ball and she had an imperfect child. My niece has Rett Syndrome which renders her unable to speak, not very cognitively advanced, and not currently toilet-trained (nor do we know if she will ever be). Rett Syndrome falls under the umbrella of Autistic Disorders. My sister spent the first 4 years denying that there was a problem with my niece--when EVERYONE told her to take her to the doctor. She's spent the last 2 years trying every homeopathic and dietary option under the sun to try and "cure" her...to no avail. Please understand--my niece is one of the lights of my life. She is awesome...I'm just sad she hasn't gotten the medical help/occupational therapy that she needs. Then last August, my sister was diagnosed with the most aggressive form of breast cancer at the age of 39. She (like many moms) has always put herself/her health last. Even now...when she is about to have major surgery...she is making absolutely sure that the kids will not miss one dance practice, Girl Scout event or driver's education lesson. No one will miss a church service. No one will eat meat on Friday. She, being a lifelong pack rat, is racing around her house trying to make it "presentable" because my other two sisters are coming to stay at her house to take care of her during her recovery. We've all offered to help her...she refuses...we've all told her we don't care about the clutter...she brushes us off. She wants to be entirely self-sufficient and never, ever need/ask for help. She rushed around so much she fell down the stairs and majorly hosed up her knee. I saw her today and was mortified. She looks like death warmed over. None of her chemo took a toll on her like the stress of rushing around has taken a toll on her. I made her promise me that she'd take a nap. She told me "I haven't thought about myself in 2 months." My reply "You better start right now. You are the glue that holds your family together. If you aren't around...they'll fall apart." Again, please understand, I'm not judging my sister. I love her. And I know that everyone needs to make their own choices and follow their own path. But it is quite evident that she is headed down a destructive path. It's not an obvious one like drugs, alcoholism, excessive gambling...but she's hurting herself still the same. She has made the outward appearance of normalcy more important than health and well-being. She is willing to sacrifice her health and her family's health for social reputation. Every conversation I have with her includes what she "needs" to do so that she can please people in her community, church, in-laws, friends, teachers. When my niece bit the teacher's aide at school, the school wanted her to have my niece tested for AIDS. It is a common request because she broke the woman's skin. But my sister didn't want to have the test done because she was afraid that it might be resulted as a false positive and she and her husband donate blood in the community. She didn't want people to treat them differently IF a false positive were to show up as the result. There was no concern over my niece's health or the woman's health...just the possibility of people treating her differently. Ever since her cancer diagnosis my sister has been dwelling on "what she did wrong to deserve God's punishment"...WTF? I told her that I don't look at it as God's punishment. I look at it as a learning experience. It is one of the things necessary in your/your family's life to make you who you are supposed to be. It sucks...not doubt about that...but it's not "punishment"...

So why bring up both of these stories? I'm not sure...maybe it is the dichotomy between the two. One person striving for balance...the other person striving for a facade that keeps crumbling down around her. What is normal? Can we afford to be normal anymore? I've been treated "differently" for so long now...I can't even conceive of what normal looks like. Ever since I turned 18 I've chosen atypical paths...regretted it sometimes, appreciated it others, and had life throw a lot of curve balls at me. To me though, the key is balance. It's not "Are you appearing normal? Do you fit in?". It is "Is your life balanced? Are you feeling or striving for harmony?" I swear...the older I get...the more I feel like the stereotypical hippy. Peace and love...we just need peace and love...accept who you are and where you are at...be accepting of others...appreciate the atypical...learn to love the flaws...be kind to each other and to the earth... Don't worry--I promise I'm NOT smoking weed or dropping acid... Oh, and I'm still philosophically opposed to tie-dye...but I do have a mini-van which is sorta like a VW bus, right?

You know...I originally intended for this post to go in a different direction...somehow it just ended up like it is. I was going to be charmingly witty...you would laugh and make equally witty comments...and somehow I ended up waxing philosophical and throwing everyone--including myself--for a loop. Maybe I'll save the original idea for tomorrow. I won't force it. Whatever happens, happens. In the end...whatever is left will be just ducky I'm sure...