Semper paratus...

This post might end up being "too much information" for some people...I don't care...It's super funny and mildly humiliating to me. I have the ability--at any given time--to make a complete fool of myself. I'm so good at this, that I've made it into a virtual art form.

First, the back story...a few months ago I was sitting at my desk at work when I started to get up to go get something to drink. While getting up I accidentally stepped on the leg/wheel of my chair and started falling. I tried to catch my footing--repeatedly--but ended up on the ground laughing my ass off 2 desks away. This was like a scene out of a movie--but it was real. The "best" part was...I peed my pants when I fell. Yup, I did. I peed. It wasn't a huge sloppy mess or anything...it was just enough to be soggy and uncomfortable the rest of the day. No one knew I peed my pants--black pants are awesome, but at least a couple of people saw me fall and we were all laughing hysterically.

No one ever told me, prior to having children, that my bladder/urethra would be hosed for life after childbirth. It's like some twisted form of hazing...women keeping this knowledge away from those who have never given birth...but completely willing to talk about it amongst themselves after having children. A sneeze, fall/trip or cough--and you pee. The only way around it is to squeeze your legs together so hard you could put a professional wrestler to shame.

And that wasn't the first fall and pee experience I've had...It's happened at least 4 times in the past 7 years. You see--I'm clumsy. My mind moves faster than my feet. My favorite/most memorable experience was when I was walking out of Best Buy last year. The pavement dips a little right outside the store and I wasn't paying attention to where I was going...one minute I was walking and in a split second I was lying on the ground...I'm not a potty-mouth kind of girl...you wouldn't know it from reading this blog...but I don't swear at home (unless the kids are asleep/gone) or at work at all...for some strange reason though when I fell this time--a very loud, prolonged "FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!" came out of my mouth. When I looked up the first thing I saw was a little 5 or 6 year old girl staring at me. I then heard her father say "Are you OK?"...I looked right at him and all I could say was "I'm so sorry I swore." He, being a very nice person, said "Don't worry about it--Are you OK?" I was super duper embarrassed...all I kept saying over and over was "I'm so sorry I swore. I'm so sorry I swore." I quickly got up and fast-walked to my minivan.

Fast forward to this past Friday...my husband and I work in the same building (different divisions) and we drive to work together everyday. My husband had parked and we had gotten out of the car to walk through the parking lot when I hit a patch of ice and just about did the splits. As always, a couple of people saw me. Although I didn't actually fall on the ground, I peed. As we continued walking into the building, I whispered "I peed." to my husband who is fully aware of my pee history. He said "Oh no!" Still embarrassed but yet a little smugly I told him "Don't worry. I have my back up undies in my file cabinet." What? Did I just admit that I keep a back up pair of underwear in my file cabinet?....Yup. After the first time I had to work all day with a soggy bottom, I decided to keep a pair of underwear wrapped up in a plastic bag hidden in the very back of my file cabinet for just such an occasion as this.

My husband gave a sigh of relief and I went immediately to my file cabinet and retrieved my "back up undies". I went to the bathroom, got in the stall, started taking off my pants when I realized things were far worse than I'd thought. Not only did I pee...I ripped my pants. This is something I had not prepared for...I've never ripped my pants in public before. So, I changed underoos, put my ripped pants back on and went back to my desk. I took a look at my calendar and said to myself "Screw it. I'm working until noon and then going home." The rip was fortunately contained to an area that was not visible to the world, however if it continued to rip any further--it would expose my peach colored undies. Considering I'm not an exhibitionist--I decided this was fate telling me to throw the towel in and enjoy the first fairly warm day we've had in over a month--far away from work.

So why did I decide to share all of this with the blogosphere? Well, it's just plain humorous. For a grown adult of fairly sane mind and healthy body to fall/pee that many times in a 7 year span must be some kind of world's record. And may I add--when I told of couple of co-workers (women) about my back up underoos they were jealous. Both of them thought it was genius and one of them told me she was going to do the same thing. Finally, it just goes to show that no matter how much you prepare for in life--life has a way of throwing you a curve ball that says "Nope. You weren't ready for this one, were you?" No matter how much we plan, calculate, store, prepare, study or communicate--life happens on its own terms regardless of your preparation. And when it does...you better take it in stride or you'll end up one stressed out, frazzled individual. I consider myself fortunate...I got to take a 1/2 day off of work to enjoy the sun...and though I wasn't prepared for what life had in store for me...everything turned out just ducky.