Ok, so my youngest daughter (who has bipolar disorder) has been manic for about 2-3 weeks now...I've been doing everything I can to bring her out of it, but it hasn't worked thus far. It is MAJORLY stressful for both my husband and myself. Most days we joke about our own deaths being our "sweet relief". Needless to say, there hasn't been any time for "me" lately. I'm feeling fat and ugly right now...
What will the temporary band-aid to my self-esteem be?...A healthy dose of Garnier Nutrisse #50 Truffle - Medium Natural Brown on my head and a slap dash attempt at taming the unruly eyebrows taking over my face...I started dying my hair about 5 1/2 years ago when 3 separate people at work--in one week--told me "Your hair is starting to get gray". Bastards! Is that truly any concern of theirs? Why exactly did they feel the need to enlighten me to their bastardly observations? Did they really think I didn't notice or that I didn't own a mirror? Anyways, it was enough of an assault on my self-esteem that I started dying my hair. Personal appearance-wise I'm very much a minimalist. In every other area I tend not to be, but with my appearance I am. I don't wear any jewelry except my wedding ring and some very small earrings. My haircut is low maintenance--no curling/straightening irons, just a hair dryer and a round brush. I have a simple wardrobe--each piece easily mixes and matches with the others...I don't believe in owning an outfit that can't be broken up and worn separately. I always choose neutral colored shoes, bags and coats. I've never gotten into the whole manicure/paint your nails thing. I LOVE make-up and what it can do when properly applied, but I NEVER wear it. Go figure! I have zero idea why I don't wear it regularly. I tend to wear it for a day or two and then I fall back into my minimalist no-make-up ways...
But, I've looked in the mirror the past few weeks and thought "Damn baby you need help." So, last night I pulled out the long overdue box of Truffle hair color and my tweezers with the idea that those were the two things I could do to make an immediate difference to my self-esteem. I can't chop off a fat roll for instant gratification...I can't purchase $60 in perfectly selected make-up to give myself an instant face-lift...I can't snap my fingers and have a totally new wardrobe, but I can put on the rubber gloves and mix up the brown liquid of the gods that makes me look passable.
I was supposed to go clothes shopping this evening, but my daughter is through-the-roof manic and I instantly knew when she got home from school that shopping wasn't going to happen tonight. Typically when the old self-esteem is this low, I go commando and do the hair dye, shopping and other "me" things all in one day. It is enough of a jolt to keep me going for awhile. Having to spread the experience out is painful and unsatisfying and actually detracts from the self-esteem boost, but that is my reality right now. While taking care of myself is crucial, keeping her safe is even more important. Some day...some day...some day...things will be just ducky again.
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6 comments:
hey sis, just to let you know that I love you and I'm here if you need me. Well...I'm out here in CA. but you know what I mean!
I'm sitting here in Calgary tonight and It's almost midnight. I'm tired (as usual), but your writing is engaging. You're funny, and of course I LOVE funny! It's very good and important that you do those things for yourself. I'll pray for the girls.
Opps, I guess I'm not in CA. I will be in Pittsburg tomorrow and Chicago after that. Home by Thursday. Weeeeeeee.............
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